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Dealing
with Toddler Tantrums
Article
brought to you by InfantsBabiesToddlers.com
There
really is something about that old saying
"easier said than
done"!
Dealing with an irate toddler is not always as simple
as
experts (usually those without children) make it out to be.
So,
before we get down to the nitty gritty, let me just say that the
following information is intended as a helpful guide only...some
information for you to ponder, try out and mould into your own special
techniques for dealing with your own special little
person.
If you have more than one child, you may have noticed that the
"Terrible Two's" can start at about one year old.
Babies and toddlers are incredibly fast learners. Almost from the
day they are born, they embark on the mission of life, testing which of
their actions achieve a desired result.
This process accelerates as babies become toddlers and some will test
their parents resolve on a daily basis.
We must remember that these beautiful little humans operate
initially entirely at an emotional level.
You will also notice that when babies, toddlers and children are tired,
they become more emotional and more energetic like they are fuelled by
adrenalin. This results in fantastically explosive tantrums.
When a newborn wants food, they are overcome by a need and often
express this by crying... tears and all.
As they grow older these emotions are still very strong, even
overpowering. Wanting a drink or a toy that another baby is playing
with becomes all consuming. If they don't get the toy, the negative
feeling results in crying, stomping or screaming...whatever gets
attention really!
This is probably the most important point of this article. Initially
tantrums are an emotional expression with the sole purpose of gaining
the undivided attention of the parent or caregiver. This behaviour
produces a result for the toddler (good or bad). Then the behaviour
changes from an emotional response into a premeditated calculated tool
to achieve that same result.
Example: Imagine walking through a shop and Baby wants a nice shiny toy
and points demandingly at the item. Mum or Dad may miss this message
and keep walking past the toy. At this point Baby is overcome by
emotion and expresses it, crying or whingeing etc. The parent or
caregiver who may be tired and at the end of their
tether, takes the easy line and goes back to pacify the baby with the
chosen toy. NOW AT THAT INSTANT that behaviour has been learned! So
next time baby wants something, guess what they will do? And if it does
not work, then baby will simply increase the energy level until the
desired result occurs.
In practical terms this situation is almost unavoidable so we will
concentrate on how to control and moderate that behaviour.
Changing bahaviour in babies and young children is all about
motivation. Motivation can only take two forms:
Positive motivation -that is encouragement, rewards and Love
Negative or Fear motivation - that is threats of punishment or
confiscating posessions.
Which method to use depends entirely on the childs age and the
relationship with the carer.
These are several discipline methods starting with the softest approach
which are recommended first, followed by the firmer alternatives.
1. The
Firm Hug Method:
when a child is in the midst of a tantrum, give them a firm loving hug.
This requires the parent or carer to be in full emotional control. It
could be argued that holding a wriggling screaming child may or may not
be practical, but this method works very well in some cases.
2. The Ignore Or
Divert Method:
Okay, that sounds like a contradiction but read on. A tantrum is
designed to get your attention. If you just keep on going and totally
ignore that the tantrum is happening, it sends the clear message to the
toddler that his actions are having NO EFFECT AT ALL. That
may
work by itself, but the method is made a lot more powerful by diverting
the childs attention to something totally unrelated. For
example:
in a shop, a toddler may tantrum to get a toy or snack etc, so you just
ignore the fireworks and perhaps drop a coin and suggest a search, or
urgently suggest to find a particular shopping item. Alternatively just
get out into open space with the screamer following.
3. The
Star Chart Method:
This is our favourite. Create a chart with about twenty or thirty stars
or dots on it. Cover the chart with clear laminate/ contact. Then use a
whiteboard marker to colour stars for good behaviour. With the toddlers
input, decide on some reasonable rewards. They don't have to cost
money... A trip to their favourite park, playing with friends, a small
$ reward (we are using the $ reward to introduce concepts of saving
money and investing in a bank account ie: spend half and save half).
If you spend a bit of time building up the reward in your
toddlers mind, you will be amazed how powerful this system is.
4. The
Quiet Corner Method:
Decide on a location in your home and name it the quiet corner. You may
want to place a chair in the location and call it the thinking chair
(for older toddlers). I am of the opinion not to name the items the
naughty corner or any other negative description. We want to focus on
the positive. When a baby or toddler has misbehaved they are either
placed or sent to this location for a few minutes, allowing the
situation to calm down and diffuse. If the child refuses to stay,
always just send them back. If they are extremely persitent, you may
have to consider another method.
6.The
Unspeakable Well Timed, Well Controlled, Smack On The Bum Method.
Why unspeakable because more than 90% of parents do it, but in many
countries it is in fact illegal and severely frowned upon by minority
lobbyists who are actually targeting out-of-control violent parents.
It is my opinion that this should be used only to prevent or
after a life threatening act by the child. For example a child running
away onto a busy road or similar. (A child with a sore bum is much
better than a dead child!) I am also of the very firm opinion that a
smack should ONLY
be placed on the bum.
Whatever your chosen method, please keep in mind that children have
very short attention spans and that punishment is best carried out
immediately...not an hour later when it suits you better. Most children
are unable to process and understand if they are punished well after
the "crime", because they forget what they did, and then cannot connect
their actions with the punishment, leaving them confused.
A Comment on fighting and biting.
If you believe some experts, young children, particularly boys are
instinctive, hormone driven beings. They have impulses for violent
behaviour which needs to be trained out.
An effective method to deal with this behaviour is to ignore the
perpetrator and lavish attention and love on the victim.
As for the breath holders: Please see a medical professional about
these to ensure that you can handle the medical risks associated with
this type of tantrum. Early intervention with a well timed splash of
cold water in the face while the child is still concious may do the
trick. If the child persists, make sure that they are Safe from injury
if they pass into unconciousness, keep a close eye on them until they
regain conciousness,
and then totally ignore them so they get the idea that that method was
useless. Having said that, this is one of the most
challenging
tantrums to deal with emotionally. And I am truly sympathetic to those
parents.
I know that all that sounds very scary to
new
parents,
but rest assured that compared with the joy and laughter that your baby
is likely to bring, these events will pale into insignificance.
Best
wishes
and Happy
Parenting
Warm
Regards
Article
brought to you by InfantsBabiesToddlers.com
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